Following God's Calling

My heart has been shattered into a million pieces. On November 7, 2022, my teens and I were in a car accident and my beautiful children, Gwyndolyn and Rowyn, were ripped from my arms and taken to Heaven. And then, the man I had vowed to spend my life with walked away, unable to bear the weight of our grief together due to his lack of faith and mental health struggles. I was left alone, a shell of the woman I once was. But even in the depths of my despair, I knew I wasn't truly alone. God was with me, holding me together when I felt like I would splinter into a thousand shards of pain. Instead of running from Him I ran towards Him.

In the dark days that followed, I lamented to Him, begging for answers. Why had He spared me from going to Heaven with my children? What purpose could I possibly have without my children by my side and my husband's love to anchor me? But as I poured out my tears and my questions, I began to feel a gentle stirring in my soul. It was faint at first, a whisper of a whisper. But as I pressed into my faith, attending church, support groups and pouring over my Bible, the whisper grew louder.

I remember the day vividly. I came home from a church group and felt an inexplicable urge to search for seminary programs. Weeks later, I committed to reading my Bible daily, asking God where I should start. He led me to Isaiah, and as I delved into those pages, I felt a jolt of connection. I stumbled upon a guide about discerning a call to missionary work, and was amazed to see that the scriptures referenced were about Isaiah's story. Coincidence I don't think so.

As I explored further, I uncovered devotionals on purpose and identity. And that's when the memories came flooding back - memories of my childhood, of singing in the choir and leading Sunday school/VBS, handing out Bible tracts at school, and volunteering at nursing homes. I had always found such joy in serving others, in being the hands and feet of Jesus. My ex-husband had pulled me away from that, but my love for and faith in God had never ceased. 

Now, as I stand on the other side of unimaginable loss, I feel God calling me back to that place of service and purpose of serving Him. My heart is still tender, my grief still real. But I am not the same broken woman I was 1 year ago. I am scarred, but I am not shattered. And I am listening to God's call, even as it terrifies me. I am stepping forward in faith, knowing that He will use my brokenness for good. I am fully surrendering and letting Him use me to serve Him. Just as He has so many times throughout the Bible, God is redeeming my story, one step of obedience at a time. 

I was saved and accepted Jesus as my savior when I was around 10 years old and I was baptized as a teen. I was baptized for a 2nd time on November 17, 2024 to reaffirm my faith and recommit myself to Christ.